This rumor has been circulating for a few weeks now, that Johnny and Vanessa are going to be officially married on September 9th. Is it true? I don’t know, I didn’t get the memo. (An oversight, I’m sure.) But the latest was published in the Philadelphia Inquirer:

Is Johnny Depp about to enter into matrimonial sanctity with his lovely, puckish French model-singer-actor Vanessa Paradis?

That’s what locals say in Plan de la Tour, a 12th-century village near St. Tropez in the south of France, where the couple, who’ve been going steady for eight years, own a $2 million villa.

According to Gossip Compound’s finest foreign correspondent, who just returned from a jaunt there (for a wedding, no less!), the sleepy town of 2,400 souls is “all abuzz” in anticipating that the Pirates star will marry the 5-foot-3 “Joe Le Taxi” singer Saturday in the town’s only church.

It’s a bit of a surprise, since Johnny’s often denied he’s interested in the M-word. “It would be a shame to ruin [Paradis’] last name,” he quipped to OK! mag last year. “It’s so perfect. It would be such a drag to stick her with Paradis-Depp.”

Though he did continue with the unequivocal, “She’s the woman in my life.
If she ever said, ‘Hey, let’s get hitched!’, I’d do it in a second.” Guess she
did.

Personally, I doubt they’d ever make it that public. Can you imagine the number of paparazzi helicopters buzzing that “sleepy town of 2,400 souls”? The resulting wind force alone would likely demolish the village. No, I see them doing it the JFK Jr. way, where half the fun is getting away with it without tipping anyone off. We got married yesterday, and you didn’t know it. Here, have some pictures. *heh*

Honestly, though, Johnny himself has said, “Vanessa and I have considered ourselves husband and wife since the day we moved in together.” Regardless of what the U.S. Government says, marriage is not an institution — it’s a relationship between two people. Johnny and Vanessa already have a stronger marriage than the vast majority of people who own a little piece of paper making it official in the eyes of the law. They’re already “married”; a “wedding”, at this point, would just be a party. And there’s nothing wrong with that, either.

But if they want to have a party, they’re welcome to do it at my house. My “sleepy little town” only has 776 souls and is like the Area 51 of Ohio - rumored to exist, but no one’s sure exactly where. So Johnny… Vanessa… come on over. Bring the kids, make a weekend of it. The beer’s cold, the cooking is hillbilly, and the paparazzi will never know the difference.